Friday, February 10, 2012

A Few Funnies For You~

While cleaning up old saved files from my emails I laughingly read through some funnies I thought I'd share.  "Remembering it's good to laugh, it's good for the heart, it's good for your soul; enjoy your day!"

This is funny - you'll enjoy it.

Jim  1/6/2006 12:24:27 PM >>>
 
>
>A new pastor was visiting in  the homes of his parishioners.
>At one house it seemed obvious  that someone was at home, but no 
answer
>came to his repeated knocks at the door.  Therefore, he took out a
>card and wrote: "Revelation  3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in 
the
>door.
>When the offering was  processed the following Sunday, he found  that
>his card had been returned. Added to it was this  cryptic message:
>"Genesis  3:10."
>Reaching for his Bible to check out the  citation, he broke
>up in gales of  laughter.
>
>Revelation 3:20 begins  "Behold, I stand at the
>door and  knock".
>Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the  garden and I
>was afraid for I was  naked."
>
>"A cheerful heart is good  medicine" (Prov.17:22a) _ 
 
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 8:53 AM
>>Subject: BEING IRISH
>>
>>
>>> >Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when 
>>> >Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops 
>>> >dead at the table.
>>>>
>>>>Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue 
>>>>playing standing up.
>>>>
>>>>Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to 
>>>>tell Paddy's wife.  Who will it be?"  They draw straws.  Liam Gallagher 
>>>>picks the short one.  They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't 
>>>>make a bad situation any worse.
>>>>
>>>>"Discreet???  I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. 
>>>>Discretion is my middle name.  Leave it to me."
>>>>
>>>>Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.  Mrs. 
>>>>Murphy answers and asks what he wants.  Gallagher declares: "Your 
>>>>husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
>>>>
>>>>"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
>>>>
>>>>"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.
_

A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous
look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned
over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point ...
_
April 11, 2006
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" 
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
 
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
 


The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
 

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe...You dumber than buffalo "___". It tell me someone stole tent."
_
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one.........

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been
suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this
had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and
Stephanie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, Mom, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying "Ever since your
mom came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver
gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said,
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle.  But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email from his mother that read:

Dear Son:
"I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not
saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie.  But the fact remains
that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the
gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY... NEVER LIE TO MOM! 

1 comment:

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