Wednesday, March 21, 2018

A Widow - she is.

I've been working on a post since last year and with a not so surprising subject if you have recently been following my blog.  As one can imagine it is not necessarily a subject that lacks a number of emotions.  Grief within it's self is something that can have you all over the place with thoughts and feelings that floods every part of you.  Eventually I'll get to it and finish.

Originally when I first started this blog I wanted to inspire others.  It was also a way for me to connect with others, be creative, share my thoughts and things I enjoy.  I wanted to have something my family could enjoy that was a part of me and to have fun along the way.  I've certainly enjoyed working on my blog - I still would like to inspire people but would also like to help someone that might be going through similar things on their journey called life.

Journalling does help me and I would suggest to anyone, writing your thoughts and feelings down prayers you have, even concerns or anything that is going on.  Memories - family stories or events there really isn't any rules to this but it is good for you.  It has proven to be good for me; it was for my husband and he was very good at it.

I do write more in my journal than I do on my blog, some I share posting here and I do jot ideas down for future posts.

This was today:

March 21, 2018 Wednesday

This morning I thought to myself that widow is something I've never been before or called myself.  It's like I discovered a new development in a case.  I've thought of this word - "name" before but looked at it different this morning.  "I am a widow."

Outside of following what you can glean from the Word; being a widow doesn't come with instructions.  

Pain doesn't seem to go away. But it comes at you less through the time God gives you to allow for healing.


The important part of journaling is that when I go back through my journal, I've found that over the years the Lord had been speaking to my life in such a way that what was written ministers to me this very day.

September 12, 2008

He is faithful and He is full of mercy
His love for you remains the same.

My heart feels broken,
Only you can repair.

Waiting many hours,
I'm feeling deep despair.

Longing for answers,
He can only bring.

Waiting on You Lord,
Help my heart to sing.


And, He is faithful ~

Monday, February 12, 2018

Valentines ~

I wanted to share my thoughts when I first found them, yes - Valentines of mine.  My gram saved my old little greetings they no longer seem to make.  In Pennsylvania we’d say from school chums and how sweet they are to see.  She also had a few of my dad’s tucked away. 

I can’t speak for all my elementary class but I had fun decorating my shoebox to set on my desk to receive cards in.  I had fun picking the cards I wanted to give and handing them out too.  For a kid it was a lot of fun - true I think for all of us and we did have a little party.             

As time went by and I grew older it changed.  We moved and I know longer had my school chums.  I did make a few friends but it wasn’t the same and I found myself unhappy.   A story for another time ~ 

People everywhere have celebrated Valentines Day in some form or another.  The idea of giving someone you love or interested in a card with possibly a gift is sweet.  I’m not quite sure how handing out cards started and still are, as when I was young – I’ll save that for another time, as well.  But mostly people think of love  .   .   .   . is in an affectionate way, romantically even lustful and the latter seems to cheapen what love really should be.  I imagine that would depend on what one believes.  

To me love in the truest form is lasting, it’s being able to forgive what someone would deem unforgivable in most standards.  It’s truly caring and putting someone (others) before yourself - being selfless. 

I guess a question we could ask is, “What is Love?”

Of course, I'm not referring to when you first meet someone and have that physical attraction for each other which sometimes is even one sided unless or until things change.  That's how most relationships seem to start.  I've referring to a kind of love that is more meaningful, deeper.  I believe God is our creator and He created us to have a relationship with Him, as well as each other and to not be alone. I believe as with husband and wife in the natural sense of the word, even though things might not be perfect in that relationship. God works all things out when we let Him, He'll give you wisdom and guidance needed, as that was true in mine.  But through my relationship with God.

Jim was a romantic and the “perfect” gentlemen - very much the courtship type of guy..  When we first started dating I wasn’t sure how to take it.  I didn’t really grow with up an outward showing of affection, like with hugs etc.  Or at least what I can remember.  I’m not complaining, just pointing out a possible reason as to why I didn’t know how to take my future husbands affection - intentions.  Of course we had that physically attraction I believe God gives us but it grew into something much deeper and we were inseparable.   

The world has a certain view and it’s hard for them to understand why some marriages stay together when mistakes are made, even with some hurtful ones.  But for us I can only speak.  God is Love and through Him there is forgiveness and for those that are truly walking with Him they know His forgiveness and that you can forgive each other.  Forgiveness is there - when there is Love.   I loved Jim very much and through all the different challenges we had in our marriage.  I've shared with a few that I've been reading through notes and journals of Jim's.  Below are a few of his thought's and writings I found and is perfect for today.

Her beauty was like the evening sunset over the desert as it sets with its brightly painted shades.  Shades of orange crimson and gold.

Her beauty was like the evening sunset over the desert as it falls fading of brightly painted shades of crimson and gold.

When my eyes first met hers I knew she was mine.  With a little wave of her hand and a smile

Our love is the beauty of two entwined
Held so tightly our embrace
Her hair so soft covered my face
Eyes locked together piercing each sole
Mine becomes hers, hers now mine
With a touch so gentle
Hands and fingers joined
Outstretched arms
Lips toughing lips
There has never been a time in my life when I have felt so deeply in love with you my bride ~
Oh, no doubt when we first fell in love the excitement and feelings were running like white water currents of a raging river ~
Riding the currents of early love was filled rapid anticipation of what might be around the next bend.
The sense of danger at times only added to the rush of adrenaline through our body’s as we laughed and cried over the same river we ride.
They say a white river runs shallow
This may well be true, as our love grows from something hollow to the deep waters of the slow and wide river.  July 2008 JMB

What I've share written from my husband is very personal.  It's important to note he spent much of his latter life effected with pain he struggled up and down in his shorten life.  He would say make the most of your time loving each other as the Lord loves you, for God is Love, Love is unconditional. Sometimes what we place importance on isn't.  We worry about temporal things in this life and usually get realigned when things go wrong.  Jim and I never truly celebrated Valentines Day but I'm happy that we shared in the Fathers Love.

Over his illness Jim wrote - The thing that makes me sad is how all this is affecting Vicky, I so much want her to be happy.  After the Lord she's the most important person in my life - The kids hold and equal but separate place in my heart - They are after all, flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone - or shall I say flesh of our flesh, bone of our bones.  July 2008 JMB

I haven't even scratched the surface of all his writings but thankful I have them.  I think of him everyday and a day doesn't go by without missing our talks.  Happy Valentines Day ~

Love in Jesus,

BTW   What is Love?  1John 4:7-21 and some ~

Thursday, December 7, 2017

My Anniversary ~

Wednesday – Yesterday was my thirty-ninth wedding anniversary - we were in fact married on a Wednesday in 1978.  We were young; Jim was young.  When we met I always imagined him older than me, rather, he carried himself as if he were.  We had met at J C Penney’s where we both worked.  He would tell you when he first saw me sitting in the office upstairs, that when he was walking down the hall and looking in my direction it was love at first sight.  I always chuckled when he would tell that story.  Jim though was being truthful.  This all happened in the year of 1978. 

I was a temp in the office while someone was out on leave and the management were pleased enough with me that they offered me a job on the floor in the Women’s Department.  Jim worked in the Men’s across the way so earlier in spring that year when I moved to the floor we spoke a few times on different occasions before he went off to boot camp.  

When he got back in August we spotted each other in Valley West Mall (now no longer there).  I was heading to lunch - he was heading towards Penneys.  We crossed paths and Jim ended up going to lunch with me.  I couldn’t believe it seeing him.  He was always very strong looking to begin with but wow!  Anyway, we headed to Old Roma! We sat in the mall just out from where we ordered at a table in front and Marty who we both knew was cleaning the tables off, I think he was the owner.  He said, “So you two know each other?”  Jim answered, “Oh yah in fact we’re getting married!”  Marty with a surprised look goes, “No way!”  And looking at me I said, “Yes it’s true!”  I have to add Jim was surprised that I played along.  So we started dating.  Jim was always the romantic while we were dating.  Sometimes I would use his car to get home after work and sitting on the drivers seat would be a present all wrapped in pretty paper.  Sometimes it would be flowers.  

We dated just a few short months before he asked me to marry him.  He took me out to dinner at La Rosa (at the time we loved Mexican food but not so much now,) and I said yes.  A few days afterwards we were talking about apartments and such, making our plans, I happened to ask how old are you?  He told me eighteen.  My mind was jumping around like crazy with doubts.  Which I’m certain he knew since he jumped right in to reassure me.  As I said earlier he always came across “older.” Jim was more mature than most and three years younger really isn’t a thought.  Or at least it disappeared and we were married.  Being the romantic on our fifth or close to it, wedding anniversary Jim planned with friends from our little fellowship a wedding.  It was to be a surprise, I went to get ready for church pulling something out of the closet he said, “Oh don’t wear that, and wear this today you always look pretty in it.”  So I did.  We got to church and I was speechless - that is hard for me!  Pastor Neil re-married us and his daughter had a wedding cake our close friends were there and our three little boys, it was wonderful!  We didn’t have a wedding before.  Wednesday was our day off, we went to the Justice of The Peace, my brother and friend were there to witness; my brother though was only seventeen so the judge had his secretary step in to witness.  We headed back to Jim’s folks had some sandwiches and moved into our apartment.   We were beat but went to work the next day.  We never had a honeymoon so what he did was very special to me.

Jim is truly very much missed by me, he would always make me laugh and he would say that of me.  He would tell me I looked pretty and meant it even if I knew I really didn’t look great that day.  Was he perfect? No.  Jim would be first tell you of his many short comings and mistakes he regretted but the one thing I know is he was a man that loved the Lord.  Honestly, when we first started dating I was a mess, mentally.  I wasn’t a happy person and lived with many deep regrets.  One day we went walking through a park and while we sat for a while he told me all about myself, things that he would never have known.  That was God speaking.  It was His Holy Spirit speaking through Jim; to me.  Jim was a Christian for a long time and giving his life to the Lord at eight.  Who said out of the mouth of babes? :) 

I always went to church with my one grandmother as a youngster, I always believed in God but never really comment my life as by asking Him into my heart.  After we were married I did and that changed everything.  Jim’s mom was never happy about us getting married she had other plans for Jim.  The one thing she said to me that I can agree with is that Jim saved me.  Not as the Lord mind you, he did by leading me to Him, and I will always be so very grateful. 

So I’m thinking of Jim and missing him.  I’m remembering his silliness and dry sense of humor, I’ve been reading notes he’s written everywhere, I’m thinking of how he prayed with tears for others, I’m reminded of who he was, just a man that wasn’t perfect and not to be put up on a pedestal.  But someone I loved that loved the Lord loved his sons, daughter and grandbabies and loved me.  He lived most of his life sick and now he’s better. 

Happy Anniversary Jim!  December 6, 1978 ~  With Love Always, Vicky