Death and Grieving ~ part 1

I started this post in the year of 2018 on February 7th, a year after my husband pasted away and two years to date.  I've had a hard time collecting all my thoughts to share while having many.  I looked at this in draft many times--  I've prayed about it, thought about it, even dreamed about it, and yet time went by.  Of course, it always does and of most recent all my thoughts came flooding back while hearing of Kobi Bryant, his daughter and others whom left this world to early - immediately I was reminded of how death can put things into perspective.

I've journaled several times since my husband pasted away - I've also written bits here and there on pieces of paper that I find everywhere.  Here I will try to convey some of my thoughts that I had at the time when I started this post in particular and what I've learned since then.  It may be in parts, even over a period of time, but I'm hoping this will be useful / helpful to all who are reading.

While on the internet a few months after Jim's service,  I read a quote that was posted by a blogger who also lost her husband to cancer.  Rudy and Denise

"There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief."  Aeschylus (c. 525 - c. 456 BCE) An ancient Greek tragedian - one that was a great writer of tragedies also listed as the first of classical Athens great dramatists. 

I understood this quote ~

Though initially I was numb - I couldn't believe what happened - surreal is a word.  When I was sharing with a friend I mentioned I believed the Lord told me I've been grieving for a long time and that Jim is only just now gone from my presence. Sometimes I don't quite know where to begin.   This week I've been going through his clothing.  He was such a beautiful dresser with the jobs he had truly fitting the role of  VP and Contracting Specialist that he was.  But, over time with much suffering he could no longer wear the clothes he looked so handsome in.  I grieved ~  I was happy seeing him dressed up, though it didn't matter dressed up or not I just loved seeing him.  Now here a year has gone by and I still find it hard to believe.  My husband was ill for years.  As time went on physically there were just things he could no longer do.  The times we spent together when we were younger - the memories we had and now, the now time became more valuable to us.  The longing we had for our "normal" became more of a distant dream.  We spent as much time enjoying what we could, sharing our thoughts, taking drives (many became just back and worth from the VA) - we read and prayed together - sat together.  He missed us being together as when he was better - I did to.  There were times he was in so much pain even a hug was to much.  So, I grieved in those times silently and cared for him.  I also would take it to the Lord in prayer - more than that I talked with Him daily.  I needed breaks and Jim didn't want to be a burden to me, he worried about me as I him.  I know Jim did the same - talking to the Lord and his faith truly kept him going.

You just don't realize how many emotions are wrapped up in loss.  I tried reading C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" and frankly couldn't finish.  At times I felt Lewis was more depressed than I was though he did state something I thought on, that is of what I read.  CHAPTER ONE " No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.  I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.  The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning.  I keep on swallowing.  pg. 3  I thought about this over the past two and a half years; the only likeness I can explain is "alarmed."  I new he could be leaving soon, so did Jim but I still was in disbelief at what I was witnessing.  Funny with the book I love all Lewis' work that I've read - I'll get back to this one.

A sweet friend from church invited me to lunch a few months after Jim dead.   She asked how I was doing and have I read anything on grieving?  But don't quote me on that though that's how I remember it.  I responded with no - not exactly though I have been reading the works of Tozer!  Of course I know it wasn't what most would have done but - maybe?  Jim had shelves of books he'd read or studied, as I looked at them, I pulled out those of interest and started reading.  The thing is it helped.  It wasn't until my son and I met up with life long friends that shared with us on grief (Grief Relief & I believe Grief Share) that I read on grief; I'll share more on that later.

What was hard for us/me is that we were together all the time it seemed especially towards the last few years of his illness worsening.  While going through that there were other complications thrown into the mix that made it difficult and at times I found myself wanting to escape.  Jim was always there for me even in the state he was in.  Every morning he would say something positive and smile at me.  He had the best smiles.  So we both held on tight to the Lord and a few close friends that helped.  I remember one of our close friends came to take care of Jim so I could have a break.  I was so connected to what was happening with Jim I barely could walk through the door I never experienced such anxiety - I pushed myself through.  I was heading out for the first time to see my grandson and celebrate his birthday, I saw him only once before --  I'll forever be grateful to you Jon.  He and his wife also came a couple months before Jim dead to help.  After Jim's service at church the next day I found myself pushing through that door once again and made myself go to Sunday's service - now that was hard! I'm not quite sure how a got there or even seen the parking lot to drive into for the tears.  I'd glance over to the passenger side that was now empty and driving to church really for the first time by myself.  I cried every Sunday on the way to church not knowing how I got there.  However I did I was always happy I made it.  A blessing to me and my drive got better, that probably made others happy too. Sorry :)

During those earlier months looking back on what had happened, though I don't know where I found this quote or who wrote it, I do know it hit me harder than the first.  "The saddest moment is when the person who gave you the best memories becomes a memory,"  ~

I found this quote to be profoundly truthful ~

Over the years we had been through so much, most would have thrown in the towel but we didn't - I didn't.  We loved each other, we knew the power of forgiveness and out of that I have wonderful memories.  Memories are something we all have and many things can trigger them.  Not long after Jim past away I found this to be very true especially through music.  Old songs we listened to while dating and when we first were married took on new meaning for me.  The memory of how you felt when you were together brought me to tears when I'd hear a song.  One song in particular I actually had forgotten and to flip things I was thinking of Jim later in the week and it trigger a song.  I was remembering a date we were on - we had seen each other a few times and I was someone who needed saving, to be frank.  Anyway we grabbed a bite I think and stopped at a park to just sit and talk.  In that park Jim told me all about myself things no one ever knew.  I was amazed when he did this, my sister would call it a God thing and God was definitely speaking through him. I just listened.  While thinking of that time a phrase popped into head  .  .  .  We'll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park.  Then I remembered it was a song that I heard that seemed to placed me in that park and I looked for it.  TEARS.  It was like seeing and hearing a dream we had.  Jim was looking at a lifetime plan - he told others and later me that it was love at first sight; knowing we would be together.  The lyrics seemed to be what we talked about throughout the years -  when we're old, it ended all to soon.  Strangely enough I found that this was helping.  I listened to the song Reminiscing and album Full Circle several times from Sharrock, Birtles, and Goble (original Little River Band).  I can't explain it but this helped as did other music from the 70's and early 80's that we heard.  Crying is healing.  I listened many times and remembered Jim dancing around singing some of the songs and lots of laughter.

Friday night it was late, I was walking you home
We got down to the gate, I was dreaming of the night
Would it turn out right?
How to tell you girl, I want to build my world around you
Wanna tell you that it's true
I wanna make you understand I'm talking about a lifetime plan

Well that's the way it began, we were hand-in-hand
Glen Miller's band was better than before
We yelled and screamed for more
And those Porter's tunes made us dance across the room
It ended all too soon
On the way back home I promised you'd never be alone

Hurry, don't be late
I can't hardly wait
I said to myself when we're old
We'll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park
And reminiscing

Friday night it was late, I was walking you home
We got down to the gate, I was dreaming of the night
Would it turn out right?
Now as the years roll on, each time we hear our favorite song
The memories come along
Older times we're missing, spending the hours reminiscing

Hurry, don't be late
I can't hardly wait
I said to myself when we're old
We'll go dancing in the dark, walking through the park
And reminiscing 

by Graeham Goble 

It's amazing how your memory works it's a bitter sweet - the memories of being together feelings can come in like a flood.  I'm sure others feel that there is no one like the one you love.  Honestly no one could get to me as Jim did.  You could say I was very much in love with my husband and all the years that we were married.  One day when speaking with my cousin, whom lost her husband, we were sharing our feelings on grieving.  She said, "you never really forget and the old idea of time heals is that, you adapt.  I have to agree and I suspect I will always feel the way I do about Jim as I adapt and in saying this there is healing.

This was a lot for me  I can say I am doing well.  As I wrap this post up I can say that now three years later; I still miss Jim though its some easier.  I have another quote and I hope I get it correct.  This quote I heard from Jane Clement after her husband passed away.  Kim told Jane "It will be different but it will be good." Kim Clement - Now I don't know when he said this, but I look at it and quote it.

 This quote helps and I found it to be true as well.

Jim had said similar to me, Vicky don't worry everything will work out.

VB


Part 2