Everyone has and will face some type of loss in which they experience grief. Since I've been going through this myself it is of my opinion to what degree depends on the person, situation, and how we are able to move forward and heal. There is no right or wrong way in doing so or comparing it to.
Now that I'm up to speed I'm finding that part two is just as hard as part one (lol) with getting my thoughts together and I want to share more of what was and is helpful to me. I'm under the impression this may take some time - I'm hoping not as long. :)
There were many times I didn't know what to say myself or how to be, for one grieving this is 'a' normal. I've found over the years how journaling whatever was on my mind or heart to always be therapeutic. It certainly is the case here. In fact, I've often shared how the Lord has ministered to me from what I've written over the years and realized God in His foreknowledge knew I would need encouragement myself. Through this I believe He uses our experiences and growth to help others who will go through what I have. Or at least this is my hope. Journaling gives you an opportunity to get concerns off you mind, gives you a voice when you think no one is listening, enables you to write out your prayers and dreams, be creative . . . talk to God . . . See your blessings and prayers that have been answered, it grows your faith that gives you hope.
Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV
When Jim passed away, I didn't have time to just grieve. I had to jump right in dealing with bills and all income had stopped. Jim was service connected, and he/we were in the process to make sure my spouse benefits were secure just in case. I had been his sole caregiver for years. Sadly, what he had started I've been having to see it through to the finish and it isn't over yet. So, I will suggest for you out there, you need to be prepared and have the talk; do what's necessary for whoever might be left behind. I always remain hopeful to what God has in line for me, my guidance and security is in Him. God is faithful to His kids, and I am blessed. Saying this does sound easy - doing so isn't always - He told us we will experience various trials. In grieving I believe timing is essential in healing as well as moving forward. You must grieve and allow for a time to grieve, to adapt and heal. As David Knapp suggests in his book when its delayed grieving may take longer. I agree this can be true and again I also believe it can depend on the person grieving. I know some people can jump right in without thinking because they don't want to think about the grief, it's too much to bear, they do not want to be alone, and some can make choices they really aren't ready for. (My opinion) I would look at getting into a support group if there is one and please get the support and help needed. :)
My soul is weary (weeps) with sorrow (grief); strengthen me according to Your Word. Psalm 119:28 NIV
With one of Jim's pens in hand I thought I'd write something this morning. Again, it is one of those-- where do I begin moments ~ On the previous page I was looking at Jim's upcoming surgery. Now he's been gone for a month and missed. I haven't thought about it as one would think - I need to be focused! I used to think I'd love to be normal. Then say whatever is normal. Everyone says to only have more time or make the most of it . . . I truly was exhausted. Jim was in bad shape. I've been getting rest; the house is quiet. Though I can't let up. I need to write letters and work on my benefits etc. Way too much to write though. I'm not happy with how it's going but also, I feel numb to it. That probably is "normal." I'm so thankful for the Lord and thankful for all the support I've received from family closest to me, my church family, and friends. I'm hoping I don't need constant reminding to trust in You ~ From my journal March 10, 2017
While still working on this post several days later I was thinking as I woke the other morning that even though sadness shows itself my heart has been mending. I can see even through my blog how the Lord is interwoven in and throughout my life. He was woven into Jim's life as well. I can't begin to tell you how hard it was over the years, specifically prior to his death, to see a once very strong physically capable man deteriorate over time as he did. He never gave up hope for healing. The photo of Jim on the right was a good day and a good picture over all that was taken during earlier chemo treatments, if I'm correct. On the left is how he was before his illness really grabbed hold. Our son Jacob said he was the strongest man he'd ever known. I believe that myself - not without faults for we all have them, his strength wasn't just physical he had an inner strength that came from the Lord.
For indeed he was sick to the point of death, but God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, so that I would not have sorrow upon sorrow. Philippians 2:27 NAS
We and believing God's Word, were doing everything we knew to do. So why wasn't he healed and able to stay? Even though I wrestled with this, I knew the very thing I was praying for could be what would take him home. We were willing to leave it in God's hands even though we knew many others had been healed to live out their lives here, this also is based on my own healing since I too was at the point of death. Our assurance was and mine is, based on my relationship with God. By faith, I have hope through a relationship with Him, God the Father, that gives me an eternal outlook, my source of strength is God given and something religion cannot do.
My friend and I were talking about the why, not trying to sound contradictory to the thoughts typed above, she shared that she believes sometimes God takes them home early out of His mercy, so they are spared. I know this; for this past year I would not have been able to help with a close family situation if Jim were still here in the condition he was. He also spent so much time in prayer he was fined tuned to things that grieved him deeply in the spirit and it was hard. He struggled with staying and leaving. His heart was here with us and his wanting to be with the Lord. He was tired.
The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace; Isaiah 57:1,2 ESV
Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jeremiah 17:14 NIV
He is healed, and I believe Jim's is praising God in His presence. He's with Him who's healed and saved him with all the others gone before and after as God's Word says. This is the assurance I have in Jesus, that I can say we will be with our loved ones again, this is what the unbelieving mind can't comprehend for it is foolishness to them. Similar St. Patrick's depiction of the Trinity using a shamrock with one in three and three in one - we sometimes forget that we are also three parts, body, soul, and spirit. The soul and spirit doesn't just decay along with the body and doesn't disappear when you die. The Bible tells us that those that are His, He will one day glorify their bodies. :) 1 Corinthians 15:35-58
This is more than what I had planned to write, I do want to close. I would also like to share this. When we said goodbye to Jim I read where a dear friend we knew passed away not long behind Jim, his wife said recently we were all uniquely connected. We all were close in age going back a long way when our kids were babies. During that time another dear friend who we all were uniquely connected with was battling a similar cancer as Jim had - I'm so happy that he pulled through. At the time this was almost too much to bear! But I pushed forward and again called upon the Lord. You just need to grieve as unwelcomed as it maybe you need too. Again, a year almost to date of my husband death two dear friends passed away the same day both were a part of our church family. A short time after that a young man whose family we knew from church and a short time after that another dear friend and brother of the Lord. All too soon. I wrote this on Facebook.
I said goodbye to Jim just about a year ago and now thinking of you, now on this journey that I've been taking. This week has been especially hard for me for I know the road ahead you have to travel. To me, honestly, each day is better than the last with a healing God has in place. It does meet with hard new challenges to get through and trusting Him with, be open to it. Saying goodbye to friends brought feelings flooding back again to when I said goodbye to Jim. One thing I know for sure is that we have a Father who loves us, and He does turn our sorrows into joy.
My prayer is that you both (all) keep your sights on heaven thanking the Lord and giving Him each day until we all are together. I love you both (all) -- I'm lifting you up and your families. VB January 25, 2018
I only planned for a part two with what I've shared here with knowing I will continue sharing here and there hoping to encourage also inspire others as that has been my desire from the beginning when starting this blog.
Lord I don't know if I can do this. Lord, sometimes I'm overwhelmed, as You know. October 14, 2019
I thank you Lord for another day. I miss you Jim. Grieving is a journey - like a process that doesn't seem to have an end. We all (will) have a season of grieving. It started me thinking of being left behind. Though our grief may seem like something with no end while living here on earth this too is just temporary, life here is short. What about not knowing were your eternity lies and now left behind where eternity has no end. A somber thought. September 26, 2018
I can tell you without a doubt that God will give you the strength to get through this season. Though we are disappointed sometimes in others I can say sadly I know I've done the same. He has never disappointed me or my husband, if Jim were here, he would most assuredly be telling you the same.
If you can't see yourself moving forward seek help through a support group at your church also again GriefShare is good and can give you locations that are closest to you. I'm happy to say where I fellowship, The River has started a GriefShare group if you are reading this from my area in southeastern Arizona. Please don't assume your immediate family will always be able to help you through your grieving many are very close and grieving themselves, so a support group would be very helpful.
If you know the Lord learn to trust Him with all your heart and not leaning on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
If you don't know Him - know that He's closer than a brother - He sees you and loves you. He stands at the door of your heart . . . Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. Revelation 3:20
His Word says, Seek the LORD while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Isaiah 55:6
This is God's extended hand of grace a free gift. God's Riches At Christ's Expense ~ For it is by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
I will close with - I believe this is for somebody that needs to hear something in what I've shared. I've had to ask for help a few times in prayer and not just wisdom. I've lost over half the message with laptop clichés and tried to recover what was lost. This has only happened one or two other times. I had to finish from my phone and sons Laptop. Mine still works but wasn't, crazy. So, whoever this is for I hope you find peace, comfort, and strength in the Lord.
I just happened to like this picture it was a great day so much fun. I love the fact that God gave me Jim to share a life with. One with wonderful memories full of God's forgiveness and His love; Grace. He still does, I will always miss Jim and I will always be grateful. Vicky
There're all types of grieving.
And I've had my share.
Tho the loss of a loved one
There's none to compare.
When I think of our dreams
I smile with some tears--
I see him dancing with old tunes that play
I still see him in and throughout my day.
I'm separated-- a widow at best.
I'm walking one of life's hardest tests.
I cling to the Lord and lay it to rest.
You never stop missing your love.
The one you loved--
You turn it over
Letting God's healing begin.
Until we see each other again ~
VLB 2.3.2020
Now that I'm up to speed I'm finding that part two is just as hard as part one (lol) with getting my thoughts together and I want to share more of what was and is helpful to me. I'm under the impression this may take some time - I'm hoping not as long. :)
As I shared in part one, I didn't start reading anything on grieving until close friends shared Grief Relief and GriefShare; this was also a little over a year after Jim passed away. I looked at both and since GriefShare utilizes a grief recovery support group, I chose Grief Relief Ministries in which I could go through on my own and I liked that idea. I purchased the founder's book "I Didn't Know What to Say" through Kindle. After reading it I purchased two bonded copies in which I gave away. The author David Knapp wrote this book based on his experience with grieving first as a boy with the loss of his father and then later with the loss of two wives. The book was written to help others that didn't know what to say to those who lost a loved one and are grieving.
I know - I know, what does this have to do with me the one grieving?
Frankly, you might be surprised! When Jim passed away, and I went back to church for the first time I was amazed how people can say things that really don't help. I'm of the notion sometimes words come out that way - when they don't know what to say or aren't thinking and feel a need to say something, (I have done this in the past and try to make a point of thinking before speaking.) :) While others may be afraid to say anything for it might sound or come out wrong, they avoid you all together. :( I knew in my heart, though I just spent the day before at my husband's service, what had been said to me wasn't meant to be mean or uncaring. I've hoped my response wasn't too unkind for I was rather shocked at what was said, even to my surprise those who are closest to you can respond in ways that do not help, whether it's family or friends. Anyway, this book summed up many of my feelings that I had experienced and was experiencing. Though initially it was written for those that can't find the words to say that help and what not to say that doesn't, this book was helpful also having a section for those grieving. As with many things I read I might not agree with bits of it I would recommend this book. For you out there who would like to help a friend - being there just listening and talking about the one they're missing in fact helps more than you realize. You can find this book through Amazon as well as the link above.
When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and
they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. Job 2:12-13 NIV
There were many times I didn't know what to say myself or how to be, for one grieving this is 'a' normal. I've found over the years how journaling whatever was on my mind or heart to always be therapeutic. It certainly is the case here. In fact, I've often shared how the Lord has ministered to me from what I've written over the years and realized God in His foreknowledge knew I would need encouragement myself. Through this I believe He uses our experiences and growth to help others who will go through what I have. Or at least this is my hope. Journaling gives you an opportunity to get concerns off you mind, gives you a voice when you think no one is listening, enables you to write out your prayers and dreams, be creative . . . talk to God . . . See your blessings and prayers that have been answered, it grows your faith that gives you hope.
Praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves received from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 NIV
When Jim passed away, I didn't have time to just grieve. I had to jump right in dealing with bills and all income had stopped. Jim was service connected, and he/we were in the process to make sure my spouse benefits were secure just in case. I had been his sole caregiver for years. Sadly, what he had started I've been having to see it through to the finish and it isn't over yet. So, I will suggest for you out there, you need to be prepared and have the talk; do what's necessary for whoever might be left behind. I always remain hopeful to what God has in line for me, my guidance and security is in Him. God is faithful to His kids, and I am blessed. Saying this does sound easy - doing so isn't always - He told us we will experience various trials. In grieving I believe timing is essential in healing as well as moving forward. You must grieve and allow for a time to grieve, to adapt and heal. As David Knapp suggests in his book when its delayed grieving may take longer. I agree this can be true and again I also believe it can depend on the person grieving. I know some people can jump right in without thinking because they don't want to think about the grief, it's too much to bear, they do not want to be alone, and some can make choices they really aren't ready for. (My opinion) I would look at getting into a support group if there is one and please get the support and help needed. :)
My soul is weary (weeps) with sorrow (grief); strengthen me according to Your Word. Psalm 119:28 NIV
With one of Jim's pens in hand I thought I'd write something this morning. Again, it is one of those-- where do I begin moments ~ On the previous page I was looking at Jim's upcoming surgery. Now he's been gone for a month and missed. I haven't thought about it as one would think - I need to be focused! I used to think I'd love to be normal. Then say whatever is normal. Everyone says to only have more time or make the most of it . . . I truly was exhausted. Jim was in bad shape. I've been getting rest; the house is quiet. Though I can't let up. I need to write letters and work on my benefits etc. Way too much to write though. I'm not happy with how it's going but also, I feel numb to it. That probably is "normal." I'm so thankful for the Lord and thankful for all the support I've received from family closest to me, my church family, and friends. I'm hoping I don't need constant reminding to trust in You ~ From my journal March 10, 2017
While still working on this post several days later I was thinking as I woke the other morning that even though sadness shows itself my heart has been mending. I can see even through my blog how the Lord is interwoven in and throughout my life. He was woven into Jim's life as well. I can't begin to tell you how hard it was over the years, specifically prior to his death, to see a once very strong physically capable man deteriorate over time as he did. He never gave up hope for healing. The photo of Jim on the right was a good day and a good picture over all that was taken during earlier chemo treatments, if I'm correct. On the left is how he was before his illness really grabbed hold. Our son Jacob said he was the strongest man he'd ever known. I believe that myself - not without faults for we all have them, his strength wasn't just physical he had an inner strength that came from the Lord.
For indeed he was sick to the point of death, but God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, so that I would not have sorrow upon sorrow. Philippians 2:27 NAS
We and believing God's Word, were doing everything we knew to do. So why wasn't he healed and able to stay? Even though I wrestled with this, I knew the very thing I was praying for could be what would take him home. We were willing to leave it in God's hands even though we knew many others had been healed to live out their lives here, this also is based on my own healing since I too was at the point of death. Our assurance was and mine is, based on my relationship with God. By faith, I have hope through a relationship with Him, God the Father, that gives me an eternal outlook, my source of strength is God given and something religion cannot do.
My friend and I were talking about the why, not trying to sound contradictory to the thoughts typed above, she shared that she believes sometimes God takes them home early out of His mercy, so they are spared. I know this; for this past year I would not have been able to help with a close family situation if Jim were still here in the condition he was. He also spent so much time in prayer he was fined tuned to things that grieved him deeply in the spirit and it was hard. He struggled with staying and leaving. His heart was here with us and his wanting to be with the Lord. He was tired.
The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace; Isaiah 57:1,2 ESV
Heal me, LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. Jeremiah 17:14 NIV
He is healed, and I believe Jim's is praising God in His presence. He's with Him who's healed and saved him with all the others gone before and after as God's Word says. This is the assurance I have in Jesus, that I can say we will be with our loved ones again, this is what the unbelieving mind can't comprehend for it is foolishness to them. Similar St. Patrick's depiction of the Trinity using a shamrock with one in three and three in one - we sometimes forget that we are also three parts, body, soul, and spirit. The soul and spirit doesn't just decay along with the body and doesn't disappear when you die. The Bible tells us that those that are His, He will one day glorify their bodies. :) 1 Corinthians 15:35-58
This is more than what I had planned to write, I do want to close. I would also like to share this. When we said goodbye to Jim I read where a dear friend we knew passed away not long behind Jim, his wife said recently we were all uniquely connected. We all were close in age going back a long way when our kids were babies. During that time another dear friend who we all were uniquely connected with was battling a similar cancer as Jim had - I'm so happy that he pulled through. At the time this was almost too much to bear! But I pushed forward and again called upon the Lord. You just need to grieve as unwelcomed as it maybe you need too. Again, a year almost to date of my husband death two dear friends passed away the same day both were a part of our church family. A short time after that a young man whose family we knew from church and a short time after that another dear friend and brother of the Lord. All too soon. I wrote this on Facebook.
There's nothing I can say
To help the pain go away.
While trying to move forward
With each new passing day.
Grieving brings such sorrow
When losing your life's mate.
Others smile asking how you're doing?
At times you smile not knowing what to say.
But you keep pushing forward,
Stepping into your new tomorrows.
All the while missing your mate.
True, only time will tell
They say.
Time will heal this grief
But today my heart is sad and heavy
For someone I love.
I said goodbye to Jim just about a year ago and now thinking of you, now on this journey that I've been taking. This week has been especially hard for me for I know the road ahead you have to travel. To me, honestly, each day is better than the last with a healing God has in place. It does meet with hard new challenges to get through and trusting Him with, be open to it. Saying goodbye to friends brought feelings flooding back again to when I said goodbye to Jim. One thing I know for sure is that we have a Father who loves us, and He does turn our sorrows into joy.
My prayer is that you both (all) keep your sights on heaven thanking the Lord and giving Him each day until we all are together. I love you both (all) -- I'm lifting you up and your families. VB January 25, 2018
I only planned for a part two with what I've shared here with knowing I will continue sharing here and there hoping to encourage also inspire others as that has been my desire from the beginning when starting this blog.
I cannot tell you grieving isn't hard.
Lord I don't know if I can do this. Lord, sometimes I'm overwhelmed, as You know. October 14, 2019
I thank you Lord for another day. I miss you Jim. Grieving is a journey - like a process that doesn't seem to have an end. We all (will) have a season of grieving. It started me thinking of being left behind. Though our grief may seem like something with no end while living here on earth this too is just temporary, life here is short. What about not knowing were your eternity lies and now left behind where eternity has no end. A somber thought. September 26, 2018
I can tell you without a doubt that God will give you the strength to get through this season. Though we are disappointed sometimes in others I can say sadly I know I've done the same. He has never disappointed me or my husband, if Jim were here, he would most assuredly be telling you the same.
If you can't see yourself moving forward seek help through a support group at your church also again GriefShare is good and can give you locations that are closest to you. I'm happy to say where I fellowship, The River has started a GriefShare group if you are reading this from my area in southeastern Arizona. Please don't assume your immediate family will always be able to help you through your grieving many are very close and grieving themselves, so a support group would be very helpful.
If you know the Lord learn to trust Him with all your heart and not leaning on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
If you don't know Him - know that He's closer than a brother - He sees you and loves you. He stands at the door of your heart . . . Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me. Revelation 3:20
His Word says, Seek the LORD while He may be found; call on Him while He is near. Isaiah 55:6
This is God's extended hand of grace a free gift. God's Riches At Christ's Expense ~ For it is by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is a gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. Ephesians 2:8-9
I will close with - I believe this is for somebody that needs to hear something in what I've shared. I've had to ask for help a few times in prayer and not just wisdom. I've lost over half the message with laptop clichés and tried to recover what was lost. This has only happened one or two other times. I had to finish from my phone and sons Laptop. Mine still works but wasn't, crazy. So, whoever this is for I hope you find peace, comfort, and strength in the Lord.
I just happened to like this picture it was a great day so much fun. I love the fact that God gave me Jim to share a life with. One with wonderful memories full of God's forgiveness and His love; Grace. He still does, I will always miss Jim and I will always be grateful. Vicky
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